Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind

I hope I can write something that will do these photos justice. They're some of my favorites. It's rare for me to find people. I mean this in a number of ways- it's rare that I find people I like, rarer still that I find people I can trust. It's unusual for me to take this trust to the level of openness, and even less likely that I can translate those relationships into something I'm willing to share with anyone else. Although lately A feels, in some ways, like the proverbial ship passing in the night, I remind myself that we got to the liking, the trusting, the open, and the sharing part in our friendship.

I was always struck (and I am always struck) by the way I come across in these photos, not just the 4 on this post, but all of the ones A took. It's as though I discover a part of myself I had forgotten every time I see them. I feel, in many ways, like I have, in fact, forgotten myself, and I just have moments of memory left (there were so many commas in that sentence. I hope I used them all correctly). I can dig into my history and tell you why, certainly, but it's not important. What I am so keenly aware of now is that my 4 and 7 and 12 and 15 year-old selves would be confused and disappointed. When I was 4, my parents assured me that I could be whatever I wanted. Taking them at their word, I insisted that I wanted to be a rose bush, just like the ones outside our window. At 7 I was fearless. Perhaps for the last time. I was wild. Reckless even. I would sing for anyone who would sit still long enough to listen. At 12, I decided that I couldn't be confined by having to chose just one or 2 activities to focus on- I would just do them all. So I attacked my ever-expanding repertoire of music-sports-dance-science-and-domestic-tasks as though I might make up for in enthusiasm what I lacked in free time. By 15, I had simply decided that I couldn't be happy with ordinary. I was thrilled by the little moments of intense joy, by the secret friendships, nights spent outside, and days in the company of music. I think in the last few years, I have forgotten what truly made me smile. And then A found that corner of me that I had forgotten and reminded me. I got to be 7 again, with an audience patient enough to wait and watch and leave me to myself. I got to be 4 and wholly wide-eyed. I got to be 12 and 15 and I got to go back to a time and place where nothing bad had ever happened.

Stockings and Black Lace Slip (Victora's Secret)

Splendid White Tee Shirt (Tobi)

Song Of The Day: Adolescents - Incubus