What Are You Doing To My Head

Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm normal by wearing 'normal' clothes. Pretend is probably the operative word here, because I have had someone say I couldn't look normal if I tried. And then I remember that it makes me depressed to be in conservative colors and cuts all the time. I had almost forgotten what it felt like to feel attractive since school started. I mean, of course I put aside personal style to an extent because of the kids- it's a necessity, but even on the weekends, I had just been so blah about dressing, it was dragging down my whole mood. *Update- two of my kids said to me yesterday that I dress too conservatively. They are both girls.

So I have this skirt that I love, but that I always worry about. It's white and fluffy and makes me think of ballets with swans and the like. But I'm afraid of it. I do sometimes worry about being judged for wearing things that make me happy. I do want to be that girl that people look at and think wistfully, 'oh my lord, I wish I was wearing what she was wearing; I wish I looked like that'. And with this skirt, I worry. But on Sunday, I was tired of being safe and all that. I just wanted an outfit that made me smile. I wore the skirt and, wouldn't you know it, I got SO many compliments it was ridiculous.

Stripper Heels (yeah, they've gone away now- I did NOT realize what the platform on them would look like before buying)

Black & White Socks (Betsey Johnson)

Magical White Fluffy Skirt (Dillards Outlet)

Black Tank Top (Gap)

Silver & Turquoise Heart Necklace (Gift)

As a note- this is not THE outfit I was wearing, just the skirt. I'll try to replace it with a picture of what I was really wearing. And as an additional note, this is a picture of the apartment before I worked my magic on it, while it was still a huge empty space, just wanting to be loved. I'll have to post about that soon.

At Starbucks in the morning, a woman got out of line to come over to me and say, 'I just had to tell you, I love your outfit so much! I saw you in church as you walked up the aisle and I was just thinking how great it was!' Then when I was at Whole Foods getting some last-minute supplies for the brunch I was making for my family, I had the women in front of and behind me comment. The woman behind me said, 'I love your skirt, it's just fabulous' and the woman in front of me asked, 'why are you wearing that?' (which I correctly interpreted as 'why are you dressed up'). I explained that I was wearing it, "because I can", which made the other woman laugh. She told me that she couldn't understand how someone could ask that question and we started chatting. She again told me how much she loved the skirt and said, 'I think you're just a fabulous fairy princess come down to earth'. It was the strangest and yet most adorable compliment, and basically exactly what I wanted to hear.

Song Of The Day: Clean White Love - Lisa Mitchell

I think the video for this song is magical. Maybe because it reminds me of snippets of the best parts of college.

It's Been A Long Time

Kitty is closing his eyes in ecstasy as I scratch his back. It's a nice, calm way to wade through the night.

It is clear the cats are male- they fight like brothers. I knew, coming back after the weekend, that I should be prepared for destruction- I just didn't know what sort of destruction it would be. I walked in the door so timidly, glancing around, and nearly giggled for joy when I didn't see anything immediately out of place. But then, there on the table was the broken lamp. Dammit cats. This is why we can't have nice things.

Grey Ankle Boots

Black Tights

Hale Bob Blue Silk Skirt (Mustard Seed)

Black Jacket with Grey Sleeves (The 15 Dollar Store)

Song Of The Day: Desiree Bassett Jams

Said That You're Unstable

A friend of mine is looking for a place to live in Bumpass. I'm sorry, but what? I could never live in a place with a name I couldn't say with a straight face. It's so bizarre.

I love the show Castle. In the most recent episode that I watched, his daughter, Alexis, met one of her elementary school friends after years of not speaking. Alexis is smart, well-behaved, beautiful, responsible.. you get the picture, and her friend shows up at the door in full goth gear. It was interesting, because the side story about the girls related to them being different than they had been as children, it was about growing up and changing, as exemplified by dress. By the end, the girls have reconnected as the people they are now rather than as the people they were way back when, and again, the change is exemplified by their dress, specifically by Alexis wearing something that her friend has found for her.

I wonder what my outfits would say about me.

When I was a baby, it was all dresses, all the time and ribbons around my little bald head because my mom was scared I'd be mistaken for a boy.

When I was little, I had a blunt, pageboy haircut (so that when I rebelled, it was by growing my hair long... ooohhhh, how avant-garde), and ran around in a lot of leggings and coke-bottle glasses.

When I got older, I grew into a pair of heels and I've basically remained in them (not the same pair, but you get the idea).

I've gone through many phases, but certain bits and pieces stick out in my mind and now I'm here, very comfortable with the way I dress. I love short shorts, long-sleeved blouses, gravity-defying shoes, enormous jewelry, and cashmere. I wonder what that says about me.

Arthur Chung Black Strappy Heels (Ebay)

Awesome Embroidered Knee Socks (Macys)

Guess Black Shorts (Guess)

Adolfo White Silky Shirt (Goodwill)

Funny thing about this shirt. I read a post on Sea Of Shoes (and PS- I want her hair color) where Jane referenced Adolfo as being this incredible sleeper label that people don't really know anymore but with the most fantastic clothes. Well, wouldn't you know, a couple of days later, I was at Goodwill just flipping through the racks, and came across this shirt. I might not have tried it on if I hadn't taken a look at the label and remembered her endorsement, but having tried it on, I can safely say it's an incredible piece. It manages to be just sheer enough without exposing the important bits, and I think the drape is pretty freaking flattering. It always makes me feel sexy and pretty at the same time without being trashy.

Song Of The Day: Hot Mess - Cobra Starship

I Stay Afloat, But I Feel Out Of Control

It takes an extraordinary amount for me to eliminate someone from my life. Essentially it comes down to betrayal of the highest order, or realizing that someone is so deeply twisted, there's no salvaging the person inside all of that.

I never thought I'd get there with someone I was this close to, and I've been whole-heartedly devastated.

Today though, my dad essentially gave me permission to be happy again. Although, as he pointed out, there is no quick fix, it helped. Just hearing him say certain things- to have him tell me that I am deeply insecure and that I let people take advantage of me because of it, even when I shouldn't, was amazing. I've always been close to my dad, but in a way I never realized that he knew me at all. Knowing that he does and that he's just always been reserved on that front is new, but reassuring. Hearing him tell me that I have to forgive myself for loving someone so thoroughly unworthy was startling. I realized, once again, that he is far more perceptive than I give him credit for, and that he's been paying attention these past years. He told me that I have to stop rejecting the little bits of happiness, that I have to embrace them, that it's the only way to heal, and that it will take time. He's right. So this is what made me happy today:

-A long walk in the dark with B

-The kitties

-A very open talk

-Finally eating what could be construed as a real meal

-Getting to see both of my brothers

-Crushing at Boggle

Gold Knot Slides (Gift)

Jeggings (http://www.marshallsonline.com/)

White Flower Belt (Off 5th)

Black Sleeveless Tunic (Ebay)

Ridiculous Purple & Green Wool Hat (Stolen from L)

Amrita Singh Gold Filigree Bracelet (Ideeli)

Gold & Pearl Ring (Gift)

L is the light of my life. He said I could put up these pictures with him- I mean, he's never been shy, so I'm not surprised. We had so much fun goofing off and just being stupid for these pictures. Mom was mortified, as usual.
Gosh darn it, Maroon 5. How do you manage to define and shape my life so effectively? I didn't even like your last album! It's true though- just as I feel I'm beginning to resolve a set of feelings, I hear one of your songs and question my entire life and purpose. Some songs bring painful memories flooding back, others make me smile, others force me to call certain people, remind myself they're alive and well. I don't get it.

Song Of The Day: Runaway - Maroon 5

A Table Set For Two

"On a cake or a root beer float...."

My brother is strange. But in the best way. He's smart and goofy and I love him. We are currently devouring episodes of The Big Bang Theory... which I was previously watching with X and V. It's stunning to me that a show that seems like it could only appeal to a segment of the population (that segment with degrees in science) could get picked up at all, much less could keep going for multiple seasons. But it makes me glad.

Fireworks In Texas:

Song Of The Day: Not Over You - Gavin DeGraw

I think the girl in this video is fascinating. I have to admit.. I kind of enjoy staring at her, and I really love the way her hair is done. Aaahhh voyeurism. 

Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind

I hope I can write something that will do these photos justice. They're some of my favorites. It's rare for me to find people. I mean this in a number of ways- it's rare that I find people I like, rarer still that I find people I can trust. It's unusual for me to take this trust to the level of openness, and even less likely that I can translate those relationships into something I'm willing to share with anyone else. Although lately A feels, in some ways, like the proverbial ship passing in the night, I remind myself that we got to the liking, the trusting, the open, and the sharing part in our friendship.

I was always struck (and I am always struck) by the way I come across in these photos, not just the 4 on this post, but all of the ones A took. It's as though I discover a part of myself I had forgotten every time I see them. I feel, in many ways, like I have, in fact, forgotten myself, and I just have moments of memory left (there were so many commas in that sentence. I hope I used them all correctly). I can dig into my history and tell you why, certainly, but it's not important. What I am so keenly aware of now is that my 4 and 7 and 12 and 15 year-old selves would be confused and disappointed. When I was 4, my parents assured me that I could be whatever I wanted. Taking them at their word, I insisted that I wanted to be a rose bush, just like the ones outside our window. At 7 I was fearless. Perhaps for the last time. I was wild. Reckless even. I would sing for anyone who would sit still long enough to listen. At 12, I decided that I couldn't be confined by having to chose just one or 2 activities to focus on- I would just do them all. So I attacked my ever-expanding repertoire of music-sports-dance-science-and-domestic-tasks as though I might make up for in enthusiasm what I lacked in free time. By 15, I had simply decided that I couldn't be happy with ordinary. I was thrilled by the little moments of intense joy, by the secret friendships, nights spent outside, and days in the company of music. I think in the last few years, I have forgotten what truly made me smile. And then A found that corner of me that I had forgotten and reminded me. I got to be 7 again, with an audience patient enough to wait and watch and leave me to myself. I got to be 4 and wholly wide-eyed. I got to be 12 and 15 and I got to go back to a time and place where nothing bad had ever happened.

Stockings and Black Lace Slip (Victora's Secret)

Splendid White Tee Shirt (Tobi)

Song Of The Day: Adolescents - Incubus

Fixing My Broken Wings

Is there anything more deliciously civilized than tea? No, I think not. My mom and I used to go to an incredible tea at the Mayflower Hotel. I have fond memories of it as the most magical time I got to spend with her. I was raised on tea. Tea was the currency of apology in our family. Tea got us through breakfast, I came home to tea in the afternoons, and ended each day with tea with my folks, watching the news. Much more recently, I asked my mom about the formal teas she used to take me to. I thought they must have been somewhere long-gone that would remain only a memory. Instead, we went again for the new version of the same old tea, which included, most importantly, the same decadent chocolate-covered strawberries nestled in between plates of tea sandwiches and pastries.

I'm a big fan of oolong and jasmine teas.

More recently, we tried a new place for tea, The Mansion on O Street. Awesome in a totally different way. Much less formal. Instead, quirky and extensive.

Antonio Melani Black & Gold Boots (Dillards)

AB Skinny Jeans (Ebay)

White Peter-Pan Collared Shirt (Dunno)

Ann Taylor Black & Blue Cardigan (Ann Taylor)

Seiko Watch (Seiko)

The only thing about tea that made/makes me a tad sad is that people don't dress for tea anymore. I mean, people don't dress for anything anymore. I always dress up anyhow to make up for it, but let me tell you, the looks I get when I go to, say, the theater, are always interesting. Or even the grocery store. It is my experience that if you leave the house looking anything but your best, you will inevitably run into the most handsome man you know, or your ex, or the president. I've basically scrapped anything that resembles sweats.

Funny story on that note- I had just changed into pjs last night when I opened the toaster oven to take out my toast, and set off the alarm... and then I listened and was like.. wait, that's the whole building's alarms going off... So I'm freaking out a bit, opening windows and such and then realized, wait, no, we have to evacuate. So I got V and we left, walking down 14 flights of stairs and outside. And all I could think was, omg, I did this! And I'm standing around in a tank top with no bra and little tiny shorts because I wasn't planning on anyone seeing me. Well, in fact, it turns out that it was a faulty alarm on the next floor up that had already gone off that day. I felt so much better, but no less naked.

Song Of The Day: You're Electric - Clare Maguire

Whatever You're Looking For

It's a little odd being vegetarian, but not hardcore vegetarian. When I explain to people that no, I don't eat meat, except for bacon because.. omgit'sbacon!!! they often are just confused. And when I further explain that it's largely because of the movie Food, Inc (which shows how disgusting the food processing industry is, among other things), I get a lot of looks. I enjoy it though. I feel better. I like the challenge of eating without meat and I love cooking. I get a kick out of fake meat. And I like being more aware of what's going into and on my body.

Tretorn Black & Pink Rain Boots (Ideeli)

AB Skinny Jeans (Ebay)

Blue & White Pinstripe Men's Button-Down (hand-me-down)

Fuscia Scarf (Paris Metro Cart)

Blue Men's Cardigan (Dillards)

Silver Balls Earrings

Song Of The Day: Don't Come Around Here No More - Tom Petty

Break Him Down Down

This has been a week of fail. I've spilled something upon walking into every room, forgotten fairly important bits of work hither, thither, and yon, and been generally tired and cranky. In continuing this idea, today my baby brother begged me to borrow my car for a 'car show' thing they're doing at school (oh yeah, my car's just that awesome):

Kickin' S4
BCBG Black Over-Knee Buckle boots (Marshalls)
Black Pants, Roots White Ruffle Shirt (Roots)
Old Navy Tan Satin-Trim Cardigan (Old Navy)
Long Black Leather Gloves (Target -unexpected)
White Leather Jacket (Gift from my oh-so-cool grandma)

and I agreed, so I'm borrowing my parent's car for the day. Well, turns out I can no longer drive an automatic- I tried to clutch with the brake. Piece of advice- that does not work.

When I came home this evening, the elderly man who just moved in across the hall (lives by himself, I might add) was blasting some unexpected music. It's today's song of the day. Never mind that it's smelled like old person in front of the door for a few days now, he must be one cool old dude.

PS-my car won.

Song of the Day: Judas - Lady Gaga

I'm Unstoppable

I am tired.

It's something I have said so many times over the course of the last however many years of my life, but it's become a permanent condition. I am tired all the time. I wake up after 10 hours of sleep, and I am tired. So tired. This job is killing me.

I thought I knew what it would be like to teach, generally. I mean, I'd tutored, and I'd been in high school, so I thought I knew what to expect. Clearly not. This is a different breed of child. This is a different brand of education and a fully different way of raising kids.

These kids are, by their own declaration, extremely lazy. They refuse to do work because it requires effort. They complain endlessly that I am making them think or that they must actually expend energy finding the answsers. I think more than anything else, I have to feel bad for them, because they literally do not understand how to work. They have been allowed to slide by under such low standards, that they cannot understand how to infer an answer based on text.

But all that aside, they are mean. They yell at me every day. This is supposed to be a good school in one of the best public school systems in the country, and I've been threatened, I've been called names, they've made comments to the effect of me being a whore and charging for services. They tell me it's my fault they're doing poorly and that I'm a terrible teacher.

On the other hand, there are the occaisional light moments.

I don't know if I can recount this story appropriately through text, but I'm going to try. You'll just have to imagine the facial expressions and everything.

So this one kid in my 9th grade class was not doing any work when I put them in groups and I asked him,
'so are you not going to do any work today?'
and he was like, 'nahh, I'm not'
so I asked him why, to which he replied, 'I hate science, I hate this class'
and I like like, 'right on... what do you want to do with your life?'
and he was like, 'eh, I don't know'
and I asked if he wanted to go to college and he was like, 'aw man, no'
so I thought for a second and asked, 'alright, so without a college degree.. what do you want to do in life?'
and he leans forward and is like, '... seriously? you really want to know?'
and I said yes, (duh) and he was like, 'alright, Imma be straight with you.. for real.. you just can't refer me'
and I said, 'ok, but I can't guarentee I won't laugh'
and he leans way back in his chair, props his feet on the desk, and goes, 'I want to be a PORN STAR'
and I just stood there staring at him for maybe 2 minutes I mean... touche student, touche (or touchie, which is maybe more appropriate) because.. I mean.. it's the ONE thing that he could have said for which I literally had no response. I mean.. there was nothing I could say whatsoever and he's right, you don't need science to do porn. Of course, it devolved, and by the end of the class, he was asking if I wanted to star in one of his movies. At that point, I referred him.

Cole Haan Black Cutout Pumps (Ebay)

Old Navy Grey Paperbag Pencil Skirt (Old Navy) 

White Metal Belt (Off Saks)

James Perse Orange Tee (Tobi)

White Pearl & Chiffon Necklace (Macys)

Sephora Cornflower Blue Nail Polish (Sephora)

Song Of The Day: Let It Roll - Divide The Day