I Stay Afloat, But I Feel Out Of Control

It takes an extraordinary amount for me to eliminate someone from my life. Essentially it comes down to betrayal of the highest order, or realizing that someone is so deeply twisted, there's no salvaging the person inside all of that.

I never thought I'd get there with someone I was this close to, and I've been whole-heartedly devastated.

Today though, my dad essentially gave me permission to be happy again. Although, as he pointed out, there is no quick fix, it helped. Just hearing him say certain things- to have him tell me that I am deeply insecure and that I let people take advantage of me because of it, even when I shouldn't, was amazing. I've always been close to my dad, but in a way I never realized that he knew me at all. Knowing that he does and that he's just always been reserved on that front is new, but reassuring. Hearing him tell me that I have to forgive myself for loving someone so thoroughly unworthy was startling. I realized, once again, that he is far more perceptive than I give him credit for, and that he's been paying attention these past years. He told me that I have to stop rejecting the little bits of happiness, that I have to embrace them, that it's the only way to heal, and that it will take time. He's right. So this is what made me happy today:

-A long walk in the dark with B

-The kitties

-A very open talk

-Finally eating what could be construed as a real meal

-Getting to see both of my brothers

-Crushing at Boggle

Gold Knot Slides (Gift)

Jeggings (http://www.marshallsonline.com/)

White Flower Belt (Off 5th)

Black Sleeveless Tunic (Ebay)

Ridiculous Purple & Green Wool Hat (Stolen from L)

Amrita Singh Gold Filigree Bracelet (Ideeli)

Gold & Pearl Ring (Gift)

L is the light of my life. He said I could put up these pictures with him- I mean, he's never been shy, so I'm not surprised. We had so much fun goofing off and just being stupid for these pictures. Mom was mortified, as usual.
Gosh darn it, Maroon 5. How do you manage to define and shape my life so effectively? I didn't even like your last album! It's true though- just as I feel I'm beginning to resolve a set of feelings, I hear one of your songs and question my entire life and purpose. Some songs bring painful memories flooding back, others make me smile, others force me to call certain people, remind myself they're alive and well. I don't get it.

Song Of The Day: Runaway - Maroon 5